yeah.. I don't have much time since the school is closing soon but I need to let this out.. maybe a little written vent.. *sigh*

Thing's haven't been going well for me. I feel like I've been bathing in chaos and just now realized I've been drowning.

my body aches, my mind is cluttered, My eyes are clouded. Things just aren't the same.

I don't know what it is but I feel so wrong right now. The animal in me wants out but I cant let it. I'm terrified of what might or what will happen. If you are not a therian you will have no idea what I'm talking about.

I nearly shifted in class yesterday. That would have been terrible. It started out as a normal day, if not for certain things i would have gone into a shift without realizing it. I got to school and went to meet one of the animators for Disney, went to class after that. Only when I first walked by Riley did i notice something amiss. Now i don't have a great sense of smell usually, but at that moment I caught a scent. This was strange at first and amazing that i could smell anything at all. I tried to brush it off, but the more i thought of it the worse it got and the more intense it got. it started out as though i had walked by a rose garden and I'm sure the camera in the room caught me twitching as the scent grew worse. It was amazing and terrible at the same time! I didn't know what the hell was going on..

It wasnt until Riley came over to me when i realized what was happening. It took all i had not to let the shock show, but i swear to you that i had never wanted so badly in my life to go for someone's throat than i did Riley's at that moment. Cats kill their prey by either cutting off the air supply or separating the disks in the neck. therefore we go for the throat in every kill.
But this wasn't an aggressive way in which i wanted to attack. that sounds contradictory, though anyone who knows me well enough knows i could never hurt any of my friends in anyway. i would readily hurt or kill myself before any of my friends.

so then, what would I have done had I let the animal lose? I know i wanted to taste and scrap my claws against the soft flesh.. so badly did I want something in my clutches and at my mercy.. but was it a bad thing? or would it have lead the other way?

GAHH!! I cant take it! so many things could go wrong! and so many things could go right! why then am I torn?! I know what I want! dont I? no.. it's not what i want.. is it? maybe it's what I need? I dont even know!! and here I am fighting with myself.. in an endless battle for control.

most of you people don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, yet i felt I'd put it here.

I'm reluctant to allow the animal out.. but it needs to be done.. I'm so afraid of what could happen that I'm not willing to let it happen to learn from the mistakes or live in the joy it could bring! now i don't even make sense to myself..

why then of all people is it that Riley set it off? that's what is most confusing! but I guess if i was near Kiba he would have become the victim. which is something he doesn't mind, he always says "If it helps you, go ahead" ....

I don't know what I want or need anymore guys.. what do i do now?

someone please! shoot this feline before she can do more damage...